Being an adult doesn’t happen when you graduate college, or when you get your first job, or when you get married or have kids. It happens when you have enough LIFE experiences to give you a kick in the ass wake-up call.
I can’t put a time on it because it happens at different moments for everyone. One day you will be disgusted by your filthy bathroom, get sick of eating rice and beans, and you won’t be able to stay awake past 11pm, nor will you want to. Day drinking becomes your preference so you can get in bed early and not have a hangover the next day.
Eventually, you’ll grow up. It might happen when:
- Your car is leaking transmission fluid in the middle of the Mojave Desert and when AAA takes you to the nearest mechanic, you have to wait in 100 degree weather for six hours while they putz around telling you they need a special oil for your car while you envision the call you are going to make to the Volvo dealership, who just checked your car, to tell them you want a complete refund, re-checkup, your sanity, and your trip to the Grand Canyon that never got to happen back.
- You have a complete panic attack while trying to sleep in Yosemite during your first ever camping trip at 6000ft elevation that you hiked 5 miles to get to with signs of bear attacks everywhere with a supposed ranger station nearby but you don’t believe them because you can’t see it. And then you have to go to the bathroom.
- You are driving a stick shift at 60mph and downshift from 5th gear to 2nd gear and almost go off the embankment in the middle of Nebraska and all you can think about is how you don’t want to get stuck in Nebraska. (read that fabulous story here)
- When you make a trip to the emergency room, use your grad school’s health insurance and proceed to get hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of bills. Still not funny.
- When you drop the cap of your shampoo bottle down the drain, only to clog it for four days while multiple plumbers come to try to fix it, telling you that they have to rip out the cabinets of your rental apartment that will cost thousands of dollars, only to have your incredibly crafty boyfriend heat up a wire, open the pipes, and manage to pull the cap out once the plastic cooled around the wire, after the two of you had to use your respective gyms for days to take showers.
- When you have a complete breakdown in front of 18 year-olds in your grad school’s gym because your school ID card won’t let you through the turnstile and all you want to do is take a shower because you clogged the drain with the shampoo cap.
- When you lose your friend in the Rome airport because they wouldn’t let her through security with this massive mirror she bought in Greece, and wait for hours on the other side of security while your other friend gets into a fight with the Italian security people saying, “We NOW have a missing person!!” and has them page her over the speakers.
- When you lose your sh*t on some girl at your brother’s graduation party at your parents house who you find going through the upstairs bathroom’s cabinets saying, “I can’t find any razors!”
- When you spend five days in Vegas for your friend’s wedding, drinking all day and all night, partying your face off, only to be sitting at breakfast with the remaining survivors of the trip the day you are all flying home when one of you (who hasn’t gone to sleep or showered in days) says, “I, like, seriously don’t ever want to come back here again.” You all laugh your asses off, completely agreeing with her, even though you’ve all been to Vegas multiple times and know that you will definitely go back.
What? None of that ever happened to you? Shame. You’re missing out.